My midnight doodle a long long time ago. But still relevant to depict my wired brain.

I start writing this exactly on new year’s eve, with firework explosions as the back sound and friends around me. Still don’t know what to write, yet I want to jot down something to remark tonight. I still don’t get why people outside love to celebrate the new year, besides we have to change the almanac and the way we mention the date we live in. Many movies must be screened on TV now, and many festive moments people are sharing on social media. But for me, I have nothing special in these minutes toward year-end.

So let me do reveal one thing for you;
Perhaps I’m still the same me, like I used to, like I always am. Oftentimes I think that I’m a kinda person who lives with “Peter Pan syndrome” (I name it myself) in life, like a kid who never wanna grow up, and just wanna stuck at a certain age. Maybe that is what makes me not so excited about welcoming a new year and feel bitter instead. For me, getting older means entering life with more demands, and I’m not really okay with that.

But I want to understand people. Maybe they feel joy for the new hopes of their plans, or simply for the free fireworks show and public entertainment. There must be some days we can treat differently anyway. Otherwise, humans just live the same boring days over and over again.

Fortunately, I leave 2016 not so desperately. At least, there are still remarkable things that happened throughout the year: I won a competition, traveled, had business trips abroad, and got a scholarship to a cool university. Even though if we look deeper, those things were all unexpected, or were not something I planned for. On contrary, for the things that I’ve planned, I got so different results. I’ve been facing uncountable problems in business, academic matters, basic habits, and personal life. And most of them got me frustrated, even until now. Coz even when you have only good deeds on people, conflicts are somehow inevitable. And yea, I’m still single (if you do care). Some men indeed approach me, but just like in a drama, I always fall to someone that I can’t have. I remember at the last time my heart was broken (not long ago), I asked a friend, “Am I not good enough?”.. and my friend answered, “No, Hani. It’s not about being bad or good enough. It’s about compatibility. If he can’t accept you, it simply because he doesn’t think that you’re compatible for him”. And that made any sense. But ahh.. let’s get rid of this topic. I can never do anything about it, so helpless. Just promise me you will pray for me, okay? To find someone “compatible”? Meanwhile, I’ll be just dating books, as usual.

However, in the end, I know that there are still things to be grateful for, especially related to the family. I still have my supportive parents and that’s even more than just “something”. If they’re still fine, then I should be just fine, others can follow. For many times I’m not really conscious of what I’m feeling and what I’m worried about. The single thing I know is, I’m still living.

While trying to regain my focus,

In the place where I always spend NYE since years ago… a mosque